alone. alone. alone.
i don't know if I can do this.
I want to be here. I want to be home. I need to be here. This is necessary. This is good. developmemntally. I tell myself.
The happiest I have been the past week is when I was talking to my mom on the phone. hearing her voice made me burst into tears. hysterical yet glorious and happy tears. ergh.

the dutch language is frightening. I keep thinking in french . short small sentences. keeps me sane as I navigate this city.

completely estranged. I knew this was going to be hard. I don't want to spend the next semester counting down until december 21st...that isn't the point. the point is to be here and to to be present and to enjoy and to learn and to grow. to be present. to be present. I need to do this. to work on this. to be this.

there is an eyelash in my eye. it hurts. get out. getout.get out.

I am not an american eagle sorority girl partyer. I am not a...I don't know what I am.

it's saturday night and it's not the fact that I ain't got no body it's thatI do'nt know what the hell to do with myself.

stinky moore hall. with all of you. I miss it. life is moving fast. sold house. sophomore year. it's already a quarter to nine. at night here. I want a couch and a book and those black leg warmeres and a kiss from my dad and a...get the hell out of my eye. eyelash. I want my dad to love me more than he loves her. I want to know that he gives a hoo ha about being a parent I'll never sleep in my room again. I'll never be a freshman again. being in lank's class with everyone. the radio station with him. There are more adventures to be had I tell myself but I do'nt know where to begin.

I don't know how to operate. I cannot delve into the corner of penny lane or acoustic or the library or out doors because they don't exsist here.

it's more than the space. it's a place where I feel validated by being a citizen and not a dork with sits in her room.

will I ever get to a point where I stop missing home? where I can be and simply be? will I forever wish I was eating dinner with john and mom? sitting in church simply to be next to my dad and smell his old spice and listen to him sing "holy holy barbra soley?"

I need to dance. to run. to shake with all of my soul to let the small homeless child of my soul smile at the mess she has made. I can feel the electricity of this monster pulsing through my tears...it's breath murks my nose and drains my eyes of all potency. she is angry. vibrating. pulsating. spewing. a kimono dragon renamed silken robe dragon like ali. or whatever that will smith movie was. I cannot think o f a boxwer right now. Ic annot write like this is a journal my mind momves too fast. I move to fast. enjoy. relish. this is al lyiou have be here. be present.

don't live your days simply for a reply from someone who probably doesn't care.

what am I supposed to do on the weekends here?

hmmm...what did I do during the weekends at home?

so restless. I want to know waht is going on. where I can go. where I can pulsate to. crawling out of my skin to get close to yoou. where are you? will I ever find you? didI miss you?

I need to be. to be good. to be elsewhere. to be healthy. to be with you.

obligations to be social. obligations to be happy. let's be russian.

there is only so much I can walk to until I realize that I have nothing else to do.

cry. cry. cry. stop puffy eyes. love love love. this will all be okay. it was the best of times. it was the worst of times. I will only be here once. be present. be presnet. just be. just be. be truthful. listen to your soul. listen. I don't know where to go.

ergh ergh erhg. I want you. let me escape into a winter coat with a cup of tea and a warm couch in a cafe with conversation swirling while I read or observe or talk to you or you or just be. somewhere where that is okay and it doesn't close at 18 hours.

don't close on me.

“I have a friend who reads people’s auras. He sees all sorts of colors like green and red and purple. He says anyone can do it. All it takes is forgetting everything you think you know and just looking. I’ve tried it and even though I haven’t seen any colors yet, everyone I meet looks so beautiful when I stop knowing everything, that it’s pretty hard to go back to the old way.”

beautiful.

“Every day, passion speaks to us through our feelings. That’s why when you allow yourself to become anesthetized by what others think, you literally block yourself from living the life you were called to live. I promise you that if you make a choice that doesn’t please your mate, your friends, you mother, or whoever, the world will not fall apart-the people who truly love you want you to love yourself. And as you become clearer about who you really are, you’ll be better able to decide what is best for you-the first time around.”
-What I know for Sure, Oprah Winfrey

Oh! Oprah. oh-prah.

luh-uhve.





let's look at the stars.
and talk for hours.
I miss that.

open up.


open up.


open up.


this is what I need to do.


breathe.

open up to all.


stop being so guarded.
this only stifles the soul rather than being a vessel for love.

messy.
disgusting.
embarassment.
insecurity.
tears.
shame.
secrets.


are beautiful.


eeeiiiiiieeee my ribs sing.
break on out of this funk. funky lunky foot. with spangles.

Edward Gorey makes my soul clamor to mother's shoulder in fear.

These current trends will one day be vintage and these smiles will one day be memories.

yours.

this is just life.

there is nothing else.

I can't go back.

Home.
Slept more.
Had actual dreams in my head at night that lingered with me through the early morning hours.
talked more.
laughed more. truly, rather.
realized that I enjoy wandering around in my underware. there.
gazed more.
realized that I don't really have to do anything perscribed.
but there is a reason that it is the perscribed formula.
I can't plan any of this.
I shouldn't
Relax. Just breathe. This really isn't that intense. you've got more time than you think.





who do I perform for?
in life. me.
that's all. that should be all.
not a standard of perfection but a goal of happpiness and truthfulness in oneself.

easy to type.
learnt in 4th grade.
hard to apply.
father. 53. tells tales.

the eastern corner of my mind urges me to keep going.
to be completely blunt and ernest when it's necessary
having that be okay.
rather than choking through tears or anger
wandering around campus with tears frozen to my face.
I didn't realize that it at the time.
cherish is the word I used to describe...

and I do. cherish you.

guess who spoke too soon? in some aspects...

to do:

-stop this pity party
-do your shtuff
-listen to Joe Cocker and feel okay

because it is okay.